Here is a doodle of Jesus’ manger that I scribbled onto a bulletin at Reliant in December 2014. It was a very significant time in my life when I needed Jesus very very very much.

 12/20/23

Here is a sequel to my short story; Carriage. 

It requires a small trigger warning, as it discusses infant and pregnancy loss. But it also is filled with hope and peace, so if triggers effect you, please know that I’ve written this to soothe the triggers as well. 

If you are experiencing any type of grief, I hope that you find peace in this story.

Merry Christmas everyone : )

- - -

I was in the beginning. 

Then I said four words, and there was light. 

I said a lot more words, and there was everything else, including water, fire and stones.

I made stones that were small and individual, and I merged other stones together to form large ones. Some of them stretched for miles and miles. I formed the stones to beautify a place for the people I loved. I also formed them to be useful and significant. 

They were good. 

- - -

Then I was in the middle.

There was still light, but I couldn’t see any of it with my eyes. 

I was in a carriage, slowly, and gently moving through the dark. It was peaceful. I loved it. I was filled with it.

My heart beat like a soft, delayed echo of the larger and louder beat of another. It was coming from somewhere inside the carriage. This giant heart must have been another passenger that I couldn’t see.

I began to hear things projected into my mind from the other passenger.

“I’m so glad you’re here. I love you so much and I can’t wait to meet you.”

I said the words back. And I knew that the other passenger heard me because some of my peace departed from me. But it filled right back up again, as it always does. It filled up so quickly, it overflowed and the excess ran into another passenger nearby with a beat almost as soft as mine. This passenger was in a different carriage, but the joy exuding from it was so great that words were projected into my mind from this passenger as well. 

“Behold, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world! I will prepare your way!”

Then, with its new peace, the first passenger began to sing;

“My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has looked on the humble estate of his servant. For behold, from now on all generations will call me blessed; for he who is mighty has done great things for me, and holy is his name. And his mercy is for those who fear him from generation to generation. He has shown strength with his arm; he has scattered the proud in the thoughts of their hearts; he has brought down the mighty from their thrones and exalted those of humble estate; he has filled the hungry with good things, and the rich he has sent away empty. He has helped his servant Israel, in remembrance of his mercy, as he spoke to our fathers, to Abraham and to his offspring forever.”

The song filled me with so much joy, the beat of my heart was amplified by it as it went, and even after it was over. It was as if my heartbeat would be louder and stronger for the rest of my life because of this song. And on each beat, the joy shot through all of my blood veins, like a bolt of lighting. 

I played the song back in my mind again and again. And the joy remained and persisted. After the seventh repeat, however, the music transported me to another place. 

- - -

I was sitting at the entrance of an ancient temple. I was still playing the song in my mind, and it was amplifying my heart with joy.

Suddenly, the joy in my heart transformed into pure pain. Now on each heartbeat, my whole body was stricken with a bolt of pain. My mind reached out with questions, and I found a woman sitting on a stone step. She was bent over, rocking back and forth, and speaking without any sound. She looked to be out of her mind. As I came close to her, it looked like she was cradling something, but when I looked into her arms, there was nothing there. I closed my eyes and touched her. The pain continued to beat into me. And I knew. I knew that she had been grieving for years. She wanted a child, but could not have any. She had a sister wife who, not only had children, but taunted her for not having any. 

The pain in my heart was justified and understood. 

Now I could hear her prayer. She said, “O Lord of hosts, if you will indeed look on the affliction of your servant and remember me and not forget your servant, but will give to your servant a son, then I will give him to the Lord all the days of his life.”

And I looked up and said, “Father, do you hear this woman? Please give her what she asks for. Please give her peace. I love her.”

And He did. The pain was lifted from her heart and from mine.

And with her peace she sang, “my heart exults in the Lord; my horn is exalted in the Lord. My mouth derides my enemies, because I rejoice in your salvation. There is none holy like the Lord: for there is none besides you; there is no rock like our God. Talk no more so very proudly, let not arrogance come from your mouth; for the Lord is a God of knowledge, and by him actions are weighed. The bows of the mighty are broken, but the feeble bind on strength. Those who were full have hired themselves out for bread, but those who were hungry have ceased to hunger. The barren has borne seven, but she who has many children is forlorn. The Lord kills and brings to life; he brings down to Sheol and raises up. The Lord makes poor and makes rich; he brings low and he exalts. He raises up the poor from the dust; he lifts the needy from the ash heap to make them sit with princes and inherit a seat of honor. For the pillars of the earth are the Lord’s, and on them he has set the world. He will guard the feet of his faithful ones, but the wicked shall be cut off in darkness, for not by might shall a man prevail. The adversaries of the Lord shall be broken to pieces; against them he will thunder in heaven. The Lord will judge the ends of the earth; he will give strength to his king and exalt the horn of his anointed.”

I had heard this before. It brought me the same joy as the first song. This woman’s song brought me joy, and it helped to soothe the remnants of the pain. 

- - -

Now I was back in my carriage. 

I returned to the first song. I played it in my mind again and again. And the reverberating joy was there once more. After the seventh repeat, the music transported me to another place. 

- - -

There was no warning this time. My heart immediately filled with a jolt of pain on each heartbeat, once again, only this time the pain was multiplied by maybe one hundred. It was unbearable. Or it would have been unbearable for anyone else. 

I saw a woman sitting on a stone doorstep. She was bent over, rocking back and forth, and wailing. As I came close to her, I saw that she was holding something. The pain grew greater and greater as I approached. 

I peered into her arms and saw a newborn infant with empty eyes.

The pain was too great.

This was not the world I created. Where was the light that I had created first before everything else? 

I looked up and said, “Father, do you hear this woman? Please give her what she asks for. Please give her peace. I love her.”

He looked down and said, “it’s your turn now, Emmanuel. You are with her.”

And so I placed one hand on her chest, and the other on the head of the infant. I looked into her heart and said, “I love you.”

Then she looked right into my face. The agony of her eyes tore into me. She spoke, and as she did, the eyes of 100 other women, in the same town, tore into me and their voices spoke with her as a congregation, saying, “because of you, my baby is dead.”

I put my face into my hands and I wept. Then I put one hand on the cheek of the woman and the other on the face of the infant, and my tears blended with theirs. I sat there for a moment, as all of my peace departed from me into this woman. The weight of her grief had been so great, however, as my peace went into her, a great stone left her own heart and came to rest on my own.

I stood up and looked down at the woman and her child. I could see that she felt peaceful, for now, but that she would also carry some of this pain for the rest of her life. I said to her, “I love you. Your child is with my Father and He is taking very good care of it. This is not the way I made the world to be and I am fixing it. Please call on me any time you need peace. I will give it to you, even though you won’t be able to fathom it. Please trust me. I love you, and I have come to save you from this.” The woman nodded, and I felt just a small portion of the pain release from my amplified heartbeat. But it was time to go and be with each of the other 100 women now, one at a time. 

Already I could hardly move, between the pain in my heartbeat, and the heavy stone resting on top of it. But I had to. This is why I came. 

With each woman, the pain in my heart decreased a little, but a new heavy stone was placed on it. 

After the last woman, I returned to my carriage. 

- - -

Back in my carriage now, I needed to do something about all of these stones. I wasn’t able to put them down. They belonged to me now. It was my responsibility to carry them. I decided to form them all into one big one. It made it just a little easier to carry them all this way. 

I didn’t want to go through anything like that ever again. But I couldn’t help myself from replaying the song that brought me so much joy. 

On replay number seven I found myself on the floor of a bathroom, centuries forward in time, from my carriage.  There was only one woman this time, but the pain in my heartbeat was different this time. The pain felt like it was coming from 50 women, but it wasn’t directed at me this time, it was directed at the one woman. The guilt vibrating from her was palpable. I could hardly cut through it to get to her. I pushed hard against it, while also carrying the giant stone. I think, in the end, the weight of the stone is actually what helped me to push through it. 

I sat beside her. The pain vibrated through me. She was bent over, rocking back and forth, and shakily whispering, “dear God, what have I done? Dear God, what have I done? Dear Jesus, what have I done?” I peered over her shoulder and saw that she was holding something. The pain was very sharp this time. It was a small bundle, too small to be a newborn, but definitely an infant. And the eyes of this child were also empty. 

I placed one hand on her chest, and the other on the head of the infant. I looked into her heart and said, “I love you.”

Then she looked right into my face. The agony of her eyes tore into me. She said, “dear Jesus, what have I done? Can you ever forgive me? Can I ever forgive myself?”

The pain continued to beat into me. And I knew. I knew that she had been told by many people that this was the right thing to do. Whether they knew they were telling her or not. She had not been shepherded well. She regretted it completely and fully. This pain that she was feeling was like nothing I had felt yet. It felt as if pain was the only feeling to have ever existed and that would only ever exist for the rest of eternity. The despair surrounding both of us was almost visible. Like a dark black cloud that buzzed with energy. The kind of energy that comes just before a terrible storm. 

She said, “dear Jesus, turn back time! Take me back and tell me not to do it!” 

I put my face into my hands and I wept. Then I put one hand on the cheek of the woman and the other on the face of the infant, and my tears blended with hers. I sat there for a moment, as all of my peace departed from me into this woman. The weight of her grief and guilt had been so great, however, as my peace went into her, a much greater stone than any before left her own heart and came to rest beside the stone I already carried on my own heart. This one was so great, it was the same size as the one that I already had. 

I stood up, slowly, and looked down at the woman and her child. I could see that she felt peaceful, for now, but that she would also carry this pain for the rest of her life. I said to her, “I love you and I forgive you. And I will give you the strength to forgive yourself. Your child is with my Father and He is taking very good care of her. This is not the way I made the world to be and I am fixing it. Please call on me any time you need peace. I will give it to you, even though you won’t be able to fathom it. Please trust me. I love you, and I have come to save you from this.” The woman nodded, and the pain was released from her heart and mine. But the weight of these two boulders now, I don’t know how I was able to carry them. But at the same time I do. Because it’s why I came.

- - -

At my carriage again, I merged the two stones together. This time I waited to recall the beautiful song for a while. I really wanted to hear it again, but I needed to rest for a time. Also, I didn’t know how I could carry any more stones, at this point. 

As I rested, I began to hear the song. But this time it wasn’t in my mind. It was coming from the mouths of a choir. I went to them. It was beautiful. They were singing the song in a lovely harmony. I loved it. I only felt the reverberations of joy in my heart and the joy made it easier to carry the massive boulder weighing on my heart. But then there was the pain. It was a much lighter pain than any of the others, but it was there. I looked around and I saw a woman in the top left corner of the choir loft. She was the only one not singing. She was sitting completely still, but as I came closer to her, I could see that she was trying not to rock back and forth and cry, since she was around so many people. She also cradled something in her arms. 

It was a hymnal. I looked into the hymnal and saw that she had covered up the words of my mother’s song with a different book. The book looked up at her and said, “if we continually practiced the presence of God, physical diseases would be greatly diminished.” She closed her eyes, blinking out one rogue tear. I could see that she received some peace from those words. She took in a slow deep breath and then looked at me and said, “I’m sorry I couldn’t sing your mother’s song. I usually love it, but two babies have died inside of me this year, and it’s hard for me to repeat the words of a woman rejoicing in the life in her womb.”

I put my face into my hands and I wept. Then I put my hand on the cheek of the woman and my tears blended with her one tear. I sat there for a moment, as all of my peace departed from me into this woman. The weight of her grief produced another small stone, which I added to my lot.

I stood up, slowly, and looked down at the woman. I could see that she felt peaceful, for now, but that she would carry this pain for the rest of her life. I said to her, “I love you and you don’t need to apologize for not singing along. I know that you don’t blame me or my mother for your pain. Both of your children are with my Father and He is taking very good care of them. This is not the way I made the world to be and I am fixing it. Please call on me any time you need peace. I will give it to you, even though you won’t be able to fathom it. Please trust me. I love you, and I have come to save you from this.” The woman nodded, and the pain was released from her heart and mine. But the weight of the stones remained. And I turned to leave. But before I did, the woman said, “wait, I want to sing a new song for you.”

And with her peace she sang, “I know that my Redeemer lives, and that He will stand on the last day upon the earth. Even though worms will destroy this body, I will see God in this same flesh. And even though worms will destroy the body of my children, they will see God in their same flesh. For my children were at the point of death. You came and laid your hands on them, and they were made well and lived. And they are alive with Christ. For Christ has risen from the dead, the first fruits of the sleepers. But Christ has slept and awakened from the dead. And I too was asleep, but now, through baptismal waters, I am awake. Since I have been raised with Christ, I will seek the things that are above. I will set my mind on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For I have died, and my life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is my life appears, then I also will appear with him in glory. I am buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, I too might walk in newness of life. If I believe, I will see the glory of God! If I believe, I will see the glory of God! If I believe, I will see the glory of God! I do believe, Lord help me in my unbelief! Therefore, if I am in Christ, I am a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness shall not overcome it. And nothing will be able to separate me from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus my Lord!”

I had heard some of this before. It brought me the same joy as the first two songs. This woman’s song brought me joy, and it helped to soothe the remnants of the pain.

- - -

I returned to my carriage and had many many more experiences like these. There is so much pain in the world. But I have come to bring peace. At some point, after placing my hand on the face of every person in the world, who was grieving, which was every person in the world, I returned to my carriage one last time. I merged the final stones together, and the large boulder crushed me. It crushed me to death. 

I lay there for three days. 

And then I was alive. I slowly pushed the boulder off of me, and as I did, the light finally poured in. 

I stood up and walked out into the sunlight. I turned to look at the boulder again. The shadow behind it sprouted two wings and flew away until I could no longer see it. 

The weight of the large stone had left me completely, but I suddenly felt that pain in my heartbeat again. I looked around and saw a woman sitting on a stone step. She was rocking back and forth and weeping. I sat beside her and said, “woman, why are you weeping? Whom are you seeking?” 

She said, “sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have laid him, and I will take him away.” 

I said to her, “Mary.” 

She turned and said “teacher!”

I stood up and looked down at her. I could see that she felt peaceful, even joyful. I said to her, “I love you. This world is still broken but I am here now and I’m fixing it. Please call on me any time you need peace. I will give it to you. Please trust me. I love you, and I have come to save you from the brokenness of this world. I’ve cast out seven of your demons already and I will cast out any more that come for you. I am Emmanuel, that is “God with us.” That is I am with you.” The woman nodded, and the pain was released from her heart and mine. But there was no stone this time. 

- - -

Then I was at the end, standing at the last day on the earth.

And I made all things new. And it was the beginning again.

- - -

But for now, while you’re still in the middle, know that I am Emmanuel, and I am with you. I love you. This is not the way I made the world to be and I am fixing it. Please call on me any time you need peace. I will give it to you, even though you may not be able to fathom it. Please trust me. I love you, and I have come to save you from this.

- - -

Merry Easter everyone and Happy Christmas. 

He is born. He is born indeed, alleluia! 

Emmanuel! That is God with us!

John 3:16 

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.

Matthew 1:23

Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and they shall call his name Immanuel” (which means, God with us)

Luke 2:14

Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, goodwill toward men!

Oh, come, our Dayspring from on high, and cheer us by your drawing nigh, disperse the gloomy clouds of night, and death’s dark shadows put to flight. Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel Shall come to you, O Israel!

- - -

Please enjoy this Gothard Sisters rendition of O Come O Come Emmanuel.

I’ve been envisioning it as a soundtrack to this story: