3/16/22
An additional note to follow the thought before this one:
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I live in the city of St. Louis. A lot of people think St. Louis is a scary place. It is notorious for being scary. A lot of us who actually live in it, don't really see that as much as the people outside of it. But it kind of depends on the day and the situation.
I have a big back yard that ends at an alley. I have a large wooden fence around most of my yard, but the back part (by the alley) is a chain link.
I used to have dreams to change that into a wooden fence to guard my children from the alley, for various reasons.
One of the reasons is that there are people who, from time to time, come through our alleys and take things out of the trash. Some of them come with shopping carts. Some of them come with backpacks. Some of them come with pickup trucks. They seem kind of dirty and they usually keep their heads down and don't really talk to anyone. Creepy right?
Well. Maybe. But also maybe not.
They're just people. And, with my obsession with keeping things from the landfill, perhaps these people are just kindred spirits that look different than the ones that I already know. We clearly have similar interests and desires.
I'd been slowly growing into this new mind set. And then, yesterday I went shopping at my favorite store, the Goodwill Outlet. For those of you that don't know what that is, it's basically like shopping in a landfill and then paying basically nothing for the weight of the items on your way out.
(I found a gently-used $400 pair of shoes for my husband there yesterday and paid about $2. People are always getting rid of things that other people value. Even me... in my own alley...)
The Goodwill Outlet is always crawling with people. They are all very different looking people. We are all there to find things. We like to dig and connect and solve problems. They are my kindred spirits.
I used to be afraid to make eye contact with people there.
Yesterday, perhaps due to my release from ptsd, I was once again able to smile and make eye contact and chat and compliment and encourage all the people around me.
My heart was filled with joy and light for the rest of the day.
— — —
Then this morning, I was in my backyard with my 1.5 year old. She was wandering around by the chain link fence and I was mostly ignoring her.
Before I realized it, one of the backpack men was talking to us through the chain link fence. He had stepped out of the alley and walked up the 5 steps, or so, that lead up to our back gate.
This is the first time any of them have gone out of their way to interact with me/us.
Perhaps he could sense my joy and light? Who knows? So random... so extremely random.
Anyway, he was just saying hi : ) He just said it was a beautiful day : ) And he wanted to say hello : ) And then he went back into the alley.
That was maybe an hour after I had gotten out bed and I'm pretty sure he made my entire day. Maybe my whole week?
Is your heart melting right now?
Don't let it melt too fast. Gotta keep the joy and light in there so you can share it with your alley-backpack friends today.
— — —
Praise God for the light.
"You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven." Matthew 5:14-16
(Thank you to Christina Schempf for introducing me to Vik Muniz and his Pictures of Garbage back in 2019. It got my critical thinking spinning in the right direction. Art is the best.)
3/15/22
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On Halloween last year, my three-year-old fell into a fire. She sat on the edge of a broken chair and it tipped her out like a teapot pouring water.
Her whole face went into the fire. Her hair was wisping into it. Her left hand reached out and pushed against the actual fire to propel her back out.
I screamed.
I kept screaming.
I picked her up and ran.
She began to cry.
I ran into the bathroom and set her down. Tears streaming down my face. I could hardly see through them to witness the damage.
Once I brushed them away, I witnessed something else.
She was untouched. Not even a single first degree burn. It was as if she hadn’t fallen in at all.
My mind immediately jumped to, “wow, way to over-react over that situation. You're always over-reacting. Just like a woman...”
My neural pathways were about to guide me habitually down that route, when I decided to fight against it. “No,” I said to me, “that was not an over-reaction, your daughter just fell into a fire. She should have been very hurt.”
But she wasn’t. Now the action that needed to be taken was reflection and thanksgiving. Then spreading the great news. The news that even though I had known it my whole life, it always comes back as news every day. God has angels watching over my daughter. And even when she falls into dangerous situations, He can change fire.
Is the truth that fire is hot and it will kill you? No. The truth is fire is hot sometimes, and it can kill you sometimes, but God made fire and He can unmake it too.
This was one of the giant steps in the ladder leading me out of my 9 years of PTSD. I think I’m out now. Thanks to God.
*honorable mentions to pastors, counselors, doctors, research scientists, music, adderall, adhd diagnoses, Psalm 91 and peacemakers.
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Cognitive distortion credit:
1) Here is a blend of labeling and overgeneralization.
“wow, way to over-react over that situation. You're always over-reacting. Just like a woman...”
I labeled myself a person who over-reacts to everything. And I also followed my society's norms and labeled women as people who over-react to everything. Then I overgeneralized that all of my reactions are over-reactions.
2) Catastrophizing
"If my child falls in a fire, she will die or at least get severe burns that will damage her face and ruin her life."
That one wasn't written in the post, but we allll know it. Right? At least we "know" it... We "know" that our child will die if they run into the street. We "know" that our children will get kidnapped if we don't watch them in the backyard. We "know" that they will die if we don't strap them into their carseat exactly the right way.
We all do it. It might be the reason God didn't want us to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. We can't handle that knowledge. We aren't omniscient like He is. He can see everything and He knows how it all works together. And He loves us and He is working for our good. So it's time to stop being afraid. God can stop cars and the hottest heat of fire. And no one is going to kidnap our children. God doesn't even have to stop "mean" people from kidnapping our children. Those people hardly even exist.
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Sidenote:
*update on the adderall front, I'm not taking it anymore. I stopped in January. I stopped because it had helped me and I didn't need it anymore.
Medicine can be helpful for short periods of time. Choosing to go on it for a time is not the end of life as you know it. It could actually be the beginning of life as you've always wished to.
2/15/22
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Once I painted a whole school bus almost completely by myself. When it was over, I painted my "name" on the top and from up there, invisible, I listened to all of Gulag Orkestar and stared off into the sparkling magic of East Battle Lake - right into the spot where the eye would be if Pacman were the lake and he was eating Lutheran Island Camp.
It was such a different and free version of my life. I love my life now, but the palpability of that time is almost intoxicating when I listen to this music. It's like that same wind never left my hair and it's coming back out to dance around my face once again as it whispers the echos of the birds and the soft clinking of the sweet puzzle grass that grows at the base of the western shores of the island.
Can someone please buy me an accordion? I promise to play it for you whenever you want. Even if you want me to follow you around for the rest of your life, playing it at your every whim. Just please promise not to throw a spear at me if I make you mad for no reason #kingsaul
Excuse my exploding passion. I'm designing a feast service and am just filled with joyous inspiration after stopping by the Concordia Historical Institute's book sale today. Old books can be so beautiful.
All glory be to God for music and beauty and puzzle grass.
1/28/22
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This morning in the kitchen I dropped something three times as I was trying to put it away. When I finally put it away, I moved on with my life.
Five minutes later, I tried to stuff something into the cupboard that wouldn't quite fit, it never did quite fit, but I moved on with my life.
Ten minutes later, I went into the laundry room and found that the laundry that I had almost started yesterday (soap in and all) had never actually been started. I started it and moved on with my life.
- - -
In July I officially got diagnosed with adhd. My husband and counselor both identified that the adhd could be the cause of my high anxiety.
They both agreed that going on medication may be a helpful crutch for my brain as it grows and heals from the anxiety. I didn't want to go on it for a lot of reasons, that I have since discovered a lot of people relate to.
Since September, I've been on adderall. Within an hour of being on it, my high anxiety had just vanished.
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If I had not been diagnosed and currently medicated, this is how the morning might have gone on a bad day:
This morning in the kitchen I dropped something three times as I was trying to put it away. I finally just threw it on the floor and a loud voice screamed into my head, "you can't do anything and you are worthless". Then I may have then been flushed with cortisol that began a whirling sensation through my veins that potentially charged my actions with fear and anger for the rest of the day.
Five minutes later, I tried to stuff something into the cupboard that wouldn't quite fit, it never did quite fit. I slammed the cupboard door shut. Let out a small growl/scream (some people who have worked or lived with me know what that sounds like lol). Thought angry thoughts about how my husband doesn't follow a good system for pantry organization. And a loud voice screamed into my head, "you can't do anything and you are worthless". Then a new bolus of cortisol was maybe released from my adrenal gland and added to the high volume that was already teaming through me. Like a raging river.
Ten minutes later, I went into the laundry room and found that the laundry that I had almost started yesterday (soap in and all) had never actually been started. At this point, I just crumpled onto the floor on my knees and tucked my whole body into itself and cried. I cried and cried and hoped that my husband wouldn't hear me, but also hoped that he would. And the whole time, my mind whirled with the repeated thought "you are worthless you are worthless you are worthless you are worthless". And the hurricane of cortisol tried to rip through my veins.
Then for the rest of the day, I could hardly move except to display confused anger and no one could understand why, especially me.
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I'm not writing this for responses. I don't really want anyone to like it or comment. (I'm learning about the imbalanced dopamine of a person with adhd and I don't think the little response and comment notifications are healthy forms of dopamine for me). You can send me a private message if you want to discuss it further or have any questions. But don't do it because you feel like I need that encouragement. I'm writing this for other people. Not for me. I don't need empathy on this right now partially because I'm medicated but also because I know that God gives me all the empathy that I need.
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There are four different types of people who will read this and I'm writing it for all of you.
1) The first type of person is the one who relates. If you relate to this, you may have anxiety and you would probably be very happy if you sought counseling. I would specifically recommend someone who deals with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. If you related to it, but you already have counseling, perhaps look deeper to see if you can find where your anxiety is coming from, and look into treatment for that. I've been going to counseling for anxiety for almost 10 years now but we only just discovered that it was stemming from adhd.
2) The second type of person is the one who understands this a little because they've seen it on the outside coming from someone they care about. If this is you, maybe do some research on anxiety and depression and see if you can lovingly and bravely encourage your loved one into counseling and treatment.
3) The third type of person is the one who doesn't understand any of this at all. It's important for us to hear about deep and difficult issues that other people are going through from time to time. It helps us to understand that even though we don't really get how that person's brain works, we can see that it works differently than our own. This allows for much more grace and empathy on a regular basis when interacting with everyone.
4) The fourth type of person is the one who is in training for or already offers aid to those experiencing mental health difficulties. I just want to say thank you. Your work is very important and people like me really really appreciate you. Maybe I'll go write my counselors and pastors a thank you card today : )
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Cognitive distortion credit:
"You can't do anything"
Cognitive distortion : overgeneralizing
"You are worthless"
Cognitive distortion : labeling
angry thoughts about how my husband doesn't follow a good system for pantry organization
Cognitive distortion : blaming
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What is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy